(on 2012-04-18)

Smear and Enjoy

Tuesday 17th February 2012 14:00 BST

Statement by Julian Assange

“The World Tomorrow with Julian Assange” premieres today. The first broadcast features the leader of Hezbollah, Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah. In this document, I try to lend a helping hand to the overworked hacks in the anti-Assange 'smearsphere' by indulging in a pre-emptive bout of self-hating WikiLeaks-bashing.

Corporate media and regime propaganda machines alike excel in the mass production of sensationalist smears against individuals and organisations they perceive to be social, political or economic competition. Fortunately WikiLeaks is all three.

Most of the time, I despair at the lack of imagination and poor sense of humour evinced by journalists and public figures who should know better.

I have decided to hold out an olive-branch to our overworked detractors, by writing higher quality smears for them. Now please don't take them all for yourself. One per “journalist”. Please tweet #smearandenjoy and the number so others know that smear is taken, and above all don't forget to smear and enjoy, smear and enjoy!

To make sure you don't accidentally say anything that is true see the official press release for all those pesky facts you should avoid.


The trinity of evil: WikiLeaks, Russia, Pick Your Guest!
The trinity of evil: Assange, Putin, Pick Your Guest!

Assange is a Kremlim patsy, employed by the Kremlin, the show is propaganda, editorially controlled by Putin and filmed by the FSB!
Putin is a WikiLeaks patsy, allowing his television channel to be manipulated by Julian Assange to become a propaganda network for WikiLeaks!
Nasrallah was interviewed as part of a Russian diplomatic game with Syria. Assange is a pathetic patsy, and a dictator-supporting hypocrite. We all know Russia supports Syria and RT is its uncritical propaganda vehicle. Why else would they interview Nasrallah?!
Assange is desperate, marginalized pariah, rightly rejected by the Western media. The only people who will work with him are US-hating Russians!
In actual fact, the show was produced by Russia Today, as evinced by the lack of credits after the first episode!
Assange is only interested in money – the Kremlin must have paid him big bucks!
Assange is a desperate hypocrite for brown-nosing the media-suppressing Krelim!
Where are the Russian dissidents/the Russian opposition? Assange is a hopeless Kremlin stooge!

Assange is a shy, timid computer geek – just look how awkward he is!
Assange blinks too much – this shows that he is not only nervous and weird, but also lying!
Assange changes his clothes all the time. He's a narcissist!
Assange looks fat and self-satisfied, he's clearly living it up under "mansion arrest"!
Assange never changes his clothes. And his socks are loose too! [Bill Keller remix]
Assange looks thin and sick, clearly eaten alive by guilt and stress!
Assange is a control freak, who micromanaged this show into an idiosyncratic flop, as evidenced by his ubiquity in the credit roll!
Assange is an egomanic, just look at how he hogs the limelight!
Assange is a complete pushover as a host, evidenced by how little he talks, and how much he allows his guests to hog the limelight!

Assange is an Islamophobe. He has no respect for the religious sentiments of his guests!
Assange is a closet Muslim. His show is absolutely jammed full of Muslim guests!
Assange is a smiling Mossad agent, lulling enemies of Israel into a false sense of security in order to expose their secrets!
Assange is an enemy combatant in the field of psychological warfare, an agent of Iran, who humanises the inhuman by giving voice to Israel's enemies!
Assange is an anti-Semite, as revealed by his fawning over Islamists!
Assange's guests are all white-haired, middle-aged men. Not only is he a misogynist, he's also a gerontocrat!

Assange isn't a "real" TV host, just a fringe publisher under house arrest, as revealed by his hopeless questions and bad clothes!
Assange has turned into a celebrity TV host. He is neglecting the WikiLeaks publishing mission and will never publish anything substantive again!
Assange is a criminal, not a professional. He is trying to distract attention away from his court case by embarking on elaborate television misadventures!
Assange is clearly bored by his guests - and the feeling is mutual!
Assange is a media whore!
Assange betrays his own principles of scientific journalism, by releasing an edited (i.e biased) version of the show, and not the full interview!
Assange has delayed the beginning of show, so he can use it as a secret weapon for his Supreme Court case!
Assange can't hold a conversation for more than 26 minutes!
Assange won't shut up for the entire 26 minutes!
No one cares about Assange anymore. He's noticed, and his response is this desperate, pathetic attempt to regain the centre of attention!
Assange has gone hopelessly mainstream and boring. He has lost all his edge, and is forced to make TV shows with a bunch of British squares!
Assange is all about transparency, and then he redacts the names of the entire production crew!
Assange uses Skype, how amateur and unprofessional. It shows how little he cares about internet privacy!
This entire enterprise is an obvious, awkward and failed attempt at attaining a veneer of legitimacy for Assange!
Assange asks softball questions. He should give those bad people a harder time!
Assange is too argumentantive with his guests. He should have more respect for our leaders!
Assange has given up the quest for the truth to suck up to terrorists!

Assange has tawdry, twee taste. He is an interior designer's nightmare!
Assange's awful taste in clothes and wallpaper are matched only by his choice of guests!

Assange is desperate to appear cool and relevant – this is why he chose MIA to make the music for the show!

Assange clearly hates his own show, and is therefore trying to preempt criticism by releasing this list!

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